An Education in Gourmet Cells
by tensergorn
Summary: The IGO mandates a sex ed lesson for its top Gourmet Hunters.


"I don't understand why I have to do this," Toriko's complaint echoed down the vacant corridors of Biotope 1's command center. He wasn't the only irritated one.

"You mean we," Sunny whined, gesturing at the Four Kings, Komatsu and Mansom. "What I don't understand is why Matsu is here for a special training of the Four Kings."

"Because," stressed Mansom, turning around to stare at the group of assembled hunters. "Komatsu is Toriko's partner. Of anyone, he should be in attendance."

"I don't need to be here," Zebra added. Coco looked like he echoed that sentiment, although with less vitriol.

"Shut up, all of you!" bellowed Mansom. "I've got orders from Ichiryu to teach you sex ed and I can't ignore a direct order, so tough cookies!"

"Sex ed?"

"Sex ed?"

"Sex ed?"

"Cocky president."

Recovering quickly, Coco said, "Ah, I see. But we all are intimately familiar with fauna and floral breeding. Including human reproduction."

"Yeah, well I guess some of you are getting a little too intimate with it," Mansom shrugged. "Not that I''m gonna name any names."

Sunny's hig pitch squeal rang out down the corridor. "Torikoooo! You're screwing Matsu, aren't you?"

"Back off!"growled Toriko, a hair's breath away from wrenching Sunny from the ground by his shirt."Me and Komatsu aren't having sex!"

Unimpressed with the territorial display, Sunny's reply was all snark. "Guess that's why we'll all taking this class, so you can figure out how."

Mansom cut short the ensuing squabble by slamming open a rather small and inconspicuous door. Inside was the most normal looking classroom possible – a small set of desks and a lecture podium for a teacher. "This is the classroom, get inside."

"A classroom?" asked Komatsu, doing his best not to look intimidated by the five formidable men around him. "When you were kids, did you four all learn in a classroom together?" The various raised eyebrows and Toriko's big smile answered him. "Nope! We spent all our time in the coliseum, except for Coco who was getting doped up a lot."

"Toriko..." Coco protested weakly, sliding into a seat that had clearly been sized up to the proportions of the Four Kings. The others claimed theirs and when Komatsu failed to find a desk that didn't come up to his nose, Toriko laughed and patted his knee. Komatsu slid easily onto it.

After fiddling with a projector for a few moments, Mansom noticed Komatsu's unorthodox perch. "Toriko and Komatsu, separate desks."

"Waugh! Of course! I'm so sorry!" Komatsu blushed bright red and flailed over to an empty oversized desk next to Zebra. Even though the huge Gourmet Hunter was squished like a rather muscled ham between the two pieces of wooden bread, he gave the little chef a dark glance. "Don't get so cocky, little man."

Once Komatsu was settled (and no longer shivering from Zebra's threat), Mansom began. "Okay, so here's the thing, boys. Komatsu, this doesn't apply to you personally, but you need to hear it anyway. Okay. Coco, Toriko, Zebra, Sunny – you all have Gourmet Cells in your body. You all know the ways in which they've helped you evolve beyond normal human limitations.

"Yep, we're 'intimately famililar' with them,"" Toriko quipped.

"You just stole that line from Coco!" accused Sunny, pointing a finger. "Make up your own comebacks. It's not beautiful to steal, especially stealing talented chefs!"

"BOYS!" gruffed Mansom, emanating the aura of a three-headed god. The class fell silent. "As I was saying, Gourmet Cells. You've got 'em. You're all living experiments, and that applies to your genitals."

"Heh, genitals."

"Heh."

"Are we all seriously laughing about 'genitals'?" Komatsu cried. The Four Kings chuckled.

"Ha ha ha! It's funny to hear it out of your mouth, Komatsu," giggled Coco to a wailing Komatsu.

Over the gentle laughter, Mansom's voice rose again. "_As_ I was saying, we've projected the ways in which each of your reproductive systems have been altered by the modifications forced by your cells."

"Wait!"

"What in the sam hill is it, now Sunny?" Mansom facepalmed.

"Where's Rin? She has Gourmet Cells too!"

"Rin's in a separate class for girls," explained Mansom.

"With who? Sunny's snake?" added Zebra.

"Quinn doesn't have Gourmet Cells," Sunny corrected.

Zebra smirked disconcertingly over his exposed teeth. "Heh, but your trouser snake is a girl."

The hand Coco placed over Sunny's mouth stopped his livid protests, but did nothing to halt his sensors from choking Zebra's neck and unceremoniously prying him from his desk. Zebra refused to become unwedged of course, giving Toriko and Mansom time to step in – Toriko to tear loose the hair clinging to Zebra's throat and Mansom to tower over Sunny.

"Do I need to put you in _time out_?"

Sunny blanched, Zebra snorted, and Komatsu picked himself up off the floor where he'd fallen in fright.

Back to business, Mansom flicked a light switch, bathing the room in projector's glow. "So, we compiled the data and I'm going to give a little slide show presentation on each of you. Let's start with Coco. All right, your system is probably the most advanced internally, but also the one we put the most effort into decoding since having sex could be disastrous to your partner. Since all your blood carries posion, when you get erect, your penis becomes a poison rod."

The hiss of eroding wood from Coco's heavy and toxic blush was audible.

Mansom continued. "But your actual semen, while being more aggressive – and that's true for _all_ of you – isn't going to carry poison unless you consciously direct it that way. And given your penis' length-"

"You're not seriously going to give away our measurements!" Sunny burst out.

"Don't worry, everyone knows girls are innies, Sunny," Zebra laughed.

An abbreviated scuffle later, Mansom flipped the slides. "O-kay... Then, guess we're done with you, Coco."

"Huh?"

"That was it?"

"I wanna be next!"

"Bwa ha! Of course, Toriko. Komatsu, listen up," Mansom glanced at the mortified chef. "Toriko, your concerns are more general. See, we think that like all your cells, your sperm may have an overabundance of the ability to reproduce and evolve. That actually goes for everyone, so I'll cover that now."

"Yeah, I know the spiel," Toriko said. "Gourmet Cells get better and better at what they do so that they can keep growing and spreading."

"We think that you all are probably hyper fertile," concluded Mansom.

"!"

"Wow!"

"Gross!"

"Hmph."

"Additionally, you might have the ability to clone yourself through putting your sperm in contact with any other sort of reproductive tissue." Five stunned faces gaped at Mansom.

Zebra was the first to break the silence. "Guess you didn't want to let us in on your plan to ultimately breed us like stud ponies. That why you waited so long to tell us this?"

"That's not it," Mansom shook his head. "We didn't tell you earlier because none of you were sexually active before. But now..."

"You so sure about-"

"Oh no, Komatsu's passed out!" Coco shouted. Toriko was at hsi side in a flash, holding and shaking his partner. "Komatsu! Komatsu, snap out of it!"

"Oh!"

"Sheesh, we lost you there for a moment. Keep your head in the game, okay?"

"B-b-but Toriko!"

"What?"

"What if..."

"What?"

"AUGH! I can't say it!" wailed Komatsu. His face remained buried in his hands.

Zebra quipped,"So, we just need to make sure we come on their faces instead of inside them?"

"That's so crass, Zebra!" Sunny shouted.

"Sheesh, be adults about this," Mansom scratched his head. "I can see why we never taught you sex ed when you were teenagers."

"That _was _adult. Veeeery adult." Zebra's smile never became less unnerving.

Mansom sighed. "I've got an idea. If someone's got a question, write it on this piece of paper and put it in this box. Then I'll read the anonymous questions." He passed out small slips of paper, which were set upon with zest. Once collected and shaken in the box, he pulled the first out.

" 'Should we come on their faces instead of-' - Zebra!"

Zebra shrugged his shoulders and chuckled.

"Second question. 'Can we get men pregnant too?'"

Everyone blushed, but Sunny lost all sense of decorum. "I knew it! I knew you were doing it, Toriko and Komatsu! That's so sick, in the butt! That's where poop comes from!"

"Hey," Toriko was stern. "Don't be so judgmental when you don't know anything, Sunny. We're not at that stage yet."

"Ewww! But you totally want to! Toriko, you're going to break Komatsu's little pecker with your dirty, muscled asscheeks!"

"Huh? Who says he's gonna fuck me?"

"Well, you heard Mansom. You can't very well do it the other way or he's gonna be flooded with your overactive sperm and become a factory for little blue-haired gluttons!"

Coco raised his hand. "Everyone, that was _my_ question."

"Coco?"

"You still haven't answered, Mansom," Coco said cooly.

Mansom looked a bit sheepish. "We don't know. We think so. The science revolving around Gourmet Cells isn't very advanced, as you all know. No one's...tested male pregnancy yet. In any case, the lab division is working on something to stop Gourmet Cells from reproducing, but don't hold your breath. Basically they're too voracious for any chemical barrier and possibly physical barrier. Honestly, the best thing you can do is keep your sperm as far away from any living creature as possible."

"Ewwwww!" Sunny couldn't have looked more grossed out if a Regal Mammoth had taken a dump on his hair.

Mansom continued. "And also, probably the safest sex for any of you is to eat something really nasty and tasteless beforehand."

"What! But that would kill the mood!" Toriko grabbed the edges of his desk to steady himself.

"Oh, Toriko. Only you," sighed Coco.

Mansom sighed and tossed the question box to the side. "Agh, screw this question box. Sunny, your turn."

"Finally."

"So, Sunny's hair allows him tactile sensations far beyond what any of us could imagine. That could go one of two ways – either sensation in your cock is comparatively dull, or the sensation is high, meaning you'll have a problem with premature ejaculation."

"Hahahahaha!"

"What! There's nothing wrong with my arousal!"

"Hahaha haha ha!"

"Anyway, Sunny. The point is this. Don't ejaculate near anyone's reproductive organs, even if you've only been near them ten seconds."

"Hahahahahaha!"

"As if! Like I'd ever put my precious penis _in_ anything as wet and ugly as a human orifice!"

"Hahahaha!"

"Shut up! All of you!"

Mansom's chuckles trailed off. He got serious. "Okay, Zebra. We studied your biology extensively in prison."

"I know."

"That's actually what all this research is based off."

"You all better thank me," Zebra glared around him.

Mansom continued. "In regards to your personal circumstances, it's pretty much the same as Toriko. Lay off the rich foods before you have sex."

"Can I get her pregnant if I come on her tits?" Zebra asked.

"That's so sick!"

"Can it, Sunny!"Mansom yelled. "No, Zebra, I don't think anything but cells that have actually been primed to reproduce are affected."

"I have a question," Coco raised his hand. "Can one person's sperm Gourmet Cells cancel out another person's sperm Gourmet Cells?"

"Uh..." Mansom scrabbled for words. "You mean like a sperm battle royale? I really don't think it's a good idea to try that. Worst comes to worst, one will eat the other and you'll create a hyper reproductive cell and then someone really will be pregnant."

"I have another question," Coco raised his hand again. "Could Zebra's sound waves kill the Gourmet sperm cells?"

Zebra erupted, twisted in his seat, but only as far as it would allow. "I'm not your freaking monthly pill! You better watch it, Coco!"

"He's right. I can't see a situation where that would happen," Toriko added thoughtfully. "Oh. I'm sure he doesn't mean you'll never get laid, Zebra."

When Zebra's attempts at standing up resulted in taking the desk with him, he ripped the thing in two. The pieces clattered to the ground as he made his exit. "I'm outta here. Enjoy your cock and vag talk." The door slammed off its hinges behind him.

"He's getting so much better controlling his temper," Mansom praised. "Anyway, we're done with the classroom portion." He flicked on the lights and offered a big smile. "Tonight's going to be a really terrible, awful, bland meal, so you all can get an example of safe sex."

"Noooo!" Toriko cried.

"But – There's more. If anyone wants to contribute to further research on sex and arousal in Gourmet Cells, there's going to be some lab work after dinner. Anyone's invited."

"No!" Sunny huffed.

"I decline," Coco said.

"Auugh! How embarassing!" Komatsu writhed.

"Will there be delicious food?" Toriko said hopefully.

"...Yes."

"I'm in!" Toriko happily pumped his fist into the air.

"Torikooooo!" Komatsu grimaced. "...so am I."


End file.
